Forget Armageddon. Those of you who were looking for an action-packed wrestling super card would have been better off checking out FWA: British Uprising 3 on The Wrestling Channel on Sunday night. This 4-hour spectacular was filled amazing aerials, brawling and technical wrestling (as well as the odd surprise) and was truly one of the strongest events of the year.
But despite a stellar effort from the Frontier Wrestling Alliance, I was still looking forward to WWE Armageddon (which, as I mentioned in my "predictions" column, didn’t look too offensive on paper).
Of course, I wasn’t best pleased when Sky Sports dropped the ball (no pun intended there) at midnight and aired a repeat showing of Sunday Night Heat, making me look like a right fool for reporting on Smash that Heat would be live (well, it was scheduled for 12 midnight after all; the live British time for the American Heat). Over on Setanta Sport, there was an Armageddon preview/recap show with Josh Matthews. Needless to say, I gave that a miss.
Armageddon opened up with yet another superb video package that suggested that the end was near for "JBL" (I sure hoped it was). With comments from all 3 of the champ’s opponents (Undertaker, Booker T, Eddie Guerrero), together with the official Armageddon theme song, this piece truly set the stage for the final WWE PPV of 2004.
RVD & Rey Mysterio Retained The WWE SD! Tag-Team Championship Against Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki W/ Hiroko
Although this feud has turned out to better than I thought it would be, I was sincerely hoping that this would be the final match between these two teams. The crowd was very much into this opening match, which greatly aided its appeal. However, in my opinion, it was only decent at best, and somewhat cack-handed in places (especially when Suzuki was involved).
RVD and Rey had the early advantage, until Dupree and Suzuki cornered Mysterio and prevented him from making the tag to "The Whole F’n Show". The match went back and forth, until Hiroko predictably got involved and Torrie Wilson predictably chased her away from the ring.
Kenzo used the distraction to his advantage and broke out a suplex from his arsenal on Rey, before Rene broke out the "French Tickler" and hit a head-butt on "Rey Rey".
Mysterio made the tag and RVD took over on Dupree. Following a Rolling Thunder/leg-drop double-team from the champs, Rene and Kenzo were set up for a double 619 from Rey (Kenzo’s selling was beyond a joke here). Van Dam then took flight with a Five Star Frog Splash on Dupree to retain the straps.
Kurt Angle Beat Santa Claus In A "Kurt Angle Invitational Challenge"
According to Michael Cole (as if you can believe him), Kurt wasn’t due out to the ring until later on. So what was all this about?
Kurt explained that he was willing to put his gold medals on the line in a special "Invitational Match" against...Santa Claus? (That’s "Father Christmas" here in the UK, folks).
Santa came out and took some candy canes from his sack and tossed them into the crowd. He was having a jolly old time until he came face to face with "The Olympic Hero" in the middle of the ring.
Kurt complained that all his little daughter wanted to talk about was "Santa Claus". Angle said that Santa insulted hard-working people like himself and vowed to make an example out of him for his baby daughter.
Kurt immediately tore into Mr Claus and finished him off in near record time with an Angle Slam and an Ankle-Lock. Although I enjoyed Kurt’s promo in the ring, this "match" was a total waste of PPV time and resembled the sort of segment that you would expect to see on an edition of SD! It’s also somewhat depressing that Kurt’s first PPV victory in 2 months was against Santa Claus.
A nice video package aired for the upcoming "Dixie Dog-Fight" between Tough Enough 2004 finalists, Daniel Puder and Mike Mizzanin. It was good to see footage from the start of the competition, as well as comments from the eliminated competitors (Daniel Rodimer didn’t seem quite as cocky after getting cut).
Daniel Puder Beat Mike Mizzanin In A "Dixie Dog-Fight"
Al Snow joined Michael Cole and Tazz on commentary for this Boxing Match. These shoot-style concepts always have the potential to blow up in the face of the company (for example, "Brawl For All" in 1998 didn’t quite go as planned; WWE hyped up Doctor Death Steve Williams as the legitimate tough guy, only for Bart Gunn to go on and win the tournament).
This match was fought under official boxing rules and had a genuine boxing referee overseeing it. Mike Mizzanin gave it a good go in Round #1, and surprised many people.
Round #2 saw both men go on the defensive, and therefore wasn’t very good (Puder hit "The Miz" with a cheap shot to the back of the head). As Round #3 began, the chances of a knock out looked less likely. Puder and Mizanin went at it, but were beaten by the clock.
The match was ruled a draw (which the crowd naturally hated). There wasn’t a point system in place, so the decision was put in the hands of the audience. GM Theodore Long did a vote, and both men got a near equal reaction. But Puder was awarded the match anyway. "The Miz" got screwed there.
Overall, this boxing match was a complete letdown, and WWE couldn’t even properly declare a winner. However, I don’t blame either competitor for the way in which this match turned out. After all, they trained to be wrestlers, not boxers.
Backstage, Eddie Guerrero and Booker T were debating the Fatal-Four-Way Match later on. After arguing about who would pin who, "Latino Heat" and "The Book" decided to form a temporary tandem and take out The Undertaker.
As they were saying this, "The Dead Man" suddenly appeared behind them and cut their conversation cold. Eddie and Booker then blamed each other for talking too loudly and giving away their plan! This was an amusing segment; Eddie’s facial expressions are just great during comedy spots such as this.
The Basham Brothers Defeated Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas
This was a special "bonus" match (which, of course meant that it was a pointless snooze-fest). There wasn’t even a story line reason for it to occur, and why give Hardcore Holly the benefit of appearing on PPV after yet another in-ring incident involving him (i.e. the Rene Dupree potato job)?
However, Holly got some punishment in the form of the crowd, who reacted to his offence with complete and utter silence. Things picked up when Charlie Haas came in, but the match returned to its normal form when Doug and Danny took over.
During the closing moments, Haas got knocked to the floor, prompting Dawn Marie to come out and check on his condition. This led to an appearance from Miss Jackie and a near-cat fight between the two. While Charlie tried to restrain both women, Hardcore got rolled up and pinned.
Following the loss, Holly got on the mic and blasted Haas for not paying attention to the match. This match was apparently very important to him. Well, at least somebody cared about it.
I don’t usually mention PPV adverts, but the one that aired for Royal Rumble 2005 was rip-roaringly hilarious. It featured the WWE Superstars sporting some hideous hairstyles and singing about the Rumble in an Opera-like voice. The ad closed out with Vince McMahon waking up and saying, "that wasn’t the sort of Royal Rumble I had in mind".
Up next was a Street Fight for the U.S. Championship, pitting John Cena against Jezus. This had the potential to be very good.
John Cena Retained The WWE U.S. Championship Against Jezus W/ "Carlito" Caribbean Cool In A Street Fight
Cena was way over with the crowd and these little film breaks have succeeded in getting him more over with the crowd than when he left. The champ (who came to the ring with a rather nifty "rotating" U.S. belt) jumped Jezus at the bell and unloaded with a vicious flurry of punches.
"Carlito" (with his shoulder still in a sling) threw a kendo stick to Jezus, who used it on the kidney area of John Cena. But Cena no-sold it and used the stick himself; cracking it off the head of the hulking bodyguard.
Jezus soon got busted open and this very one-sided brawl continued through the crowd and back to the ring again. "Carlito" allowed his bodyguard a temporary respite with some timely interference, but Cena battled on and eventually polished off Jezus with the FU.
Following the match, Cena knocked out "Carlito" with his steel chain and took his personal property back. Although this was a heated, atmospheric match, it did nothing to get Jezus over as a worthy adversary to Cena and made a mockery of the realistic angle that WWE had spent so much time on.
Dawn Marie Beat Miss Jackie (Special Referee: Charlie Haas)
For the 2nd time that night, Charlie Haas came out, this time as an official. He made his entrance with Jackie, but anyone with any common sense could see that they wouldn’t be happy couple by the end of the night.
This match was beyond awful. Dawn and Jackie topped themselves here, because this bout was even worse than the other ones they’ve been involved in. Charlie remained impartial and soon counted the fall on his fiancée, after Dawn used the tights for the roll up pin.
Jackie was in shock, but there was more to come. Haas confirmed that he and Dawn had been having an affair, and then went down to one knee to apparently propose to Ms Marie (using Jackie’s engagement ring). But instead of asking her to marry him, he asked why she was "such a slut" and left without either woman! (Hilariously, the crowd liked his attitude and began a "Charlie" chant!).
The Big Show Beat Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns & Mark Jindrak In a Handicap Match
This was a predictably plodding and outright boring match that didn’t do anything for any of the talent involved. There was an amusing moment early on in the match where Jindrak tagged in Angle against his will, but that was about as fun as things got.
"Team Angle" triple-teamed "The Show" until he made the big comeback, flattening everyone in sight. Jindrak took the release pancake/power-bomb, while Angle hit the Angle Slam and applied the Ankle-Lock, only for the giant to escape. In the end, Show hit Jindrak with the F5 to get the win (which is either an "FU" to Brock Lesnar, or a sign that "The Next Big Thing" is on his way back to WWE).
Backstage, Funaki interviewed himself regarding his upcoming Cruiserweight Title Match against Spike Dudley. This was a likeable segment, until Spike appeared and said that Funaki had no chance of winning the belt (which got me thinking that he probably would).
Funaki Beat Spike Dudley For The WWE Cruiserweight Championship
This was a lifeless match that admittedly picked up towards the end, but still did nothing for PPV or the Cruiserweight Title. Funaki got a series of near-falls early on, and got even more during the closing moments of the match.
Funaki went for a swinging DDT, but Spike countered it into the Dudley Dog. However, the "SD! No 1 Announcer" countered that into a roll up and became the new Cruiserweight Champion.
As I mentioned in my "predictions" column, I like Funaki, but it’s hard to take him seriously as a competitor after he’s lost so many matches and been a comedy character for so long. It’s certainly not a good move to put the cruiser strap on him, especially when the likes of Paul London and Billy Kidman are wasting away on Velocity. But who am I to argue? The Cruiserweight Title is virtually a redundant belt now, anyway.
Backstage, "The Cabinet" bid their "farewells" to "JBL" ("the cabinet" is an appropriate name, considering the wooden acting skills that Amy Webber and The Basham’s possess). All of them wished the champ good luck, as Bradshaw made the long walk to the ring (which again, hinted to me that "JBL" might retain his title).
"JBL" Retained The WWE! SD! Championship In A Fatal Four-Way Match Against The Undertaker, Booker T & Eddie Guerrero (Interference From Heidenreich)
Amidst all the nonsense and crap booking that one had to endure at Armageddon, this enjoyable (and sometimes exciting) main event almost saved the entire show. I can say without hesitation, that this was probably the best SD! World Title Match in months.
The match began with the fan favourites fighting amongst themselves (while "JBL" took a break outside the ring). Before long, though, Bradshaw had been dragged into the fray and was a human pinball for Undertaker, Eddie and Booker!
Later on, Booker took a plunge into the front row, while Undertaker took some punishment from the ring steps (brandished by "JBL"). However, Undertaker soon back-dropped his way out of a power-bomb attempt through the announcers’ desk!
Eddie soon brought a ladder into play and drove it into the head of The Undertaker! He also kicked out of Booker T’s axe-kick, before "JBL" drove Booker through the announce table with an elbow drop (the power-bomb spot went awry).
On the other side was the Spanish announce table, so Undertaker cleared that and drove Bradshaw through it with "The Last Ride"! Inside the ring, Eddie was hamming it up again, but soon got caught by "Big Evil"! Guerrero got a Choke-slam, but soon bounced the title belt off Taker’s skull during a "Last Ride" attempt!
Eddie hit 2 Frog Splash’s, but Undertaker sat up. A Frog Splash from the ladder did the trick, but "Latino Heat" hurt himself on the way down. "JBL" pulled the referee out on Eddie’s count, and the match continued.
Eventually, Undertaker was the last man standing and looked set to win the belt with a Tombstone on the champion. But in a right buzz-killer, Heidenreich ran and assaulted him.
"JBL" still couldn’t pin anyone, but Heidenreich reduced the odds by taking Undertaker out to the floor. While the camera was squarely on ‘Taker and Heidenreich, Bradshaw hit Booker T with the Clothesline From Hell and retained his title.
The screw-job finish ruined the match for me. "JBL" is still the champion (despite low PPV and TV numbers) and for the umpteenth time, needed blatant interference to get the job done. And who the hell wants to see Undertaker and Heidenreich again? That feud should have been done and dusted at No Mercy.
Even though Armageddon produced a great main event (well, until the finish at least) and wasn’t a totally piss-poor effort like Judgment Day and The Great American Bash, it still failed to justify its £15 price tag and generally felt like an extended version of SD! (the "bonus" matches, the TV-style angles, the overbooking etc); and a bad one at that.
I’m sure I’m not alone when I find myself saying, "screw it, that’s the last SD! PPV I’m going to order", as I’m sure that other fans aren’t going to pay for crap like this next year when Sky are charging for 8 PPV’s. Raw-only and combined events have given me better value for money this year, so from now on, I’m going to be more selective and not settle for lazy events like Armageddon.
On the plus side, Armageddon did advance a few story lines and also gave Charlie Haas a new career direction. And as I’ve already mentioned, it also produced the strongest SD! main event in ages. But let’s not kid ourselves. Armageddon was a lousy event and a rotten way for WWE to end the year.
Previously posted on Smash Wrestling:
http://www.firetank.com/smashwrestling/
